He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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