I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
