so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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