if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
my poor anus
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
