you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize