You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
