burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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