she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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