Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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