I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
