do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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