So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
