My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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