You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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