My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
