Please, let me fuck your mom
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
