the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
