Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
