you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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