yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize