Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
