I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize