he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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