so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
