Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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