I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
