I was born with a shot glass in my hand
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
