you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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