I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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