I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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