I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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