I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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