Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
