i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
