Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
