Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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