I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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