tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
