I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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