The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't make out with my wife yet
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she peed on how many people?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
