I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize