i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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