I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
