I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
please come you make the beer taste better
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
