Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
