I accidentally burped into my bong.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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