Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
