My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
you never un-have a 4some
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
