so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
