New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
