My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
