I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
