i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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