oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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