I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
