I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize