mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i drank out of a bidet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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