I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I could make wine with my vomit
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
