I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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