The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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