your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize