you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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