can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize