Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
