Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
