my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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