I will die if light touches me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
