here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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