i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
