I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
