I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
